Well, I am just sitting down to write you, to inform you that YES I am still alive (and well actually), but I sit here blushing because I do not know how to spell my teachers name....In that case we will just call him Aajan. Today is day number 14 here at the monestary if you can believe that! I have been keeping a daily log for you, so you all can see my day to day accounts with me, myself, and meditation. I have encluded the eight buddist precepts that were to be followed while staying here:
1. To refrain from killing living beings.(yes that means spiders)
2. To refrain from stealing, or taking what has not been given.
3. To refrain from any kind of sexual or romantic activity whatsoever.
4. To refrain from false, rude, harmful, or useless speech.
5. To refrain from using alcohol, drugs or intoxicants.
6. To refrain from eating outside of the morning hours. (any time after 12pm)
7. To refrain from distractions and beautification.(jewlery, etc)
8. To refrain from using large and luxurious seats and beds.(yep thats right they want your back side to HURT!)
Just a quick rundown of what vipassana is:
Vipassana Bhavana (Insight Meditation) aims at purification of mind and gaining an insight into the real nature of all phenomena of impermanence, suffering and non-self. (much of the aim of Buddhism)
I have also included the webpage for the wat that may help answer any questions: http://watchomtong.sirimangalo.org/info.htm#cost
DAY 1:
Well I got here late this afternoon. I received my bedding, two changes of clothes, and my room. So far I feel much like an outcast. I arrived wearing ALL black, while everyone else is wearing ALL while (monks in Saffron of course). Shortly after I changed into my appropriate clothing, then went to the meditation center for a quick run down of the begining of vipassana practice. We will be doing mindful prostration (three times), followed by walking meditation, and sitting meditation, each of these are to last 10 minutes (timer in stow). While we meditate we are to focus on walking or sitting, but if we see or hear, or think of something we are to acknowledge it as such (which I will later find difficult). From there we (there was another girl that had just arrived she is from Bangkok and had studied before, so there was no shock factor for her) went to the opening ceremony...much chanting...beautiful to hear but impossible to read. I have cried three times so far today,no apparent reason...just something I am good at.
DAY 2
Early morning meditation is impossible. I sat here and thought: hungry, hungry, hungry. I am to report once daily with my teacher, currently mine is out of the country (he is in Isreal, he has just been granted authority to build a buddist temple there, the first one), so I met with his wife Kate and Sandra (an assisant of sorts, she is training to be a teacher). My time has increased to 15 minutes. There seems to be a constant pain in my knees. I am also having much doubt. I don't know that I will have the ability to stay 12 days.
DAY 3
I have done very little meditation since the sun went down last night. I am trying to avoid pain (my IT band injury is haunting me). I have discovered that my favorite times to meditate are in the morning while the sun is rising (after my much anticipated breakfast), then the last two hours before sunset. Hmmm, I wonder what is like to meditate while it's raining...wait Tara, yu are suppose to be in the moment (thinking, thinking, thinking). I went with a few other Vipassana students today to give alms to the Monks. We went to the village bought some fuit and such, then gave them to the monks. we are to remove out shoes, give them the alms,then bow before them. This is all about Karma. You give the monk a gift, he gives you a blessing (chants it), for you have done something good. From there you can take that blessing for your self, or pass it on..to keep the karma going. For example, I could take my blessing then pass it on (mentally) to a friend that is healing from surgery. I am getting very restless and, dare I say bored (VERY out of my character). I am to be practicing at 20 minutes now, which actually is better. My focus is much better, I make acknowledgement then they dissapear from my conscious. I am starting to see visual images during my sitting meditation, and today I have this ingredible tightness in my throat...which I have been informed are conditions of the practice, and that I need to acknowledge them. My goal is still to last until the 30th, but I am sooooo homesick, and yep I cried again. I feel all of your support, and that helps.
DAY 4
Vipassana is often translated into "Insight" meditation. So when my emotions come to surface, I need to acknowledge them, and realize that it is imperminance...things are constantly changing. I am much craving contact with the outside world...and a hug would be bliss. My meditation is going well, with pain being the most discouraging (I know, acknowledge). I have started itching, it started during my meditation along my hairline and the top of my skull, and my upper lips twitches. I learned that maybe not all rules are to be broken, and that some are in place for a reason. My practice was crap after I left the blog update, and read emails...gave my brain something to work on. I could SO go for a bowel of cereal right now. More rice anyone? My practice has been increased to 20 minutes (so that is a total of 40 minutes per session)
DAY 5
I am less lonely today, and I have found that solitude is good for practice. I can't sleep at night, I itch like crazy. Still, other than pain, hunger is my biggest struggle. Speaking of food, it isn't too bad. Vegetarian or non vegetarian...lots of veggies and rice, but all in all better than bad. I couldn't sleep again, I feel like I have bugs crawling all over me...and my stomach cramps...but everything is impermanent, right? My teacher Aajan is back, which was a welcomed change. He is a bit curt, yet compassionate...a wonderful teacher. He reminds me to be more deliberate, mindful and careful...in each moment, walking, drinking, moving, everything. Oh and also: sleep less, talk less, eat less (is he trying to be funny?) I cried again today at report, Aajan says they are tears of rapture (since I don't know why I cry). He tells me that wisdom comes from three things: learning/teaching (so schooling,parents, etc), thinking (ideas, jobs, discovery), and lastly through meditation (this we will see). He wants me to stay longer, he wants me to complete the full 21 day course, I said I will stay until the 3rd. As I did my prostrations to the buddha,(I am in the land of the Buddha and must follow their rules), I am corrected (this seems to be the trend around here, since I am ignorant to Buddhism and all). I feel a bit sheepish, and he laughs. "that is the past, you can't change of fix it. you are in the present. Live in the moment" (spoken in this broken english) My meditation is now at 25 minutes
DAY 6
In report I learned that all this strange occurances that I am having are part of the practice, and continue to be mindful. I am reporting twice daily now, due to my accelerated plan. My walking steps have changed, and I now have "touching points" while sitting. My practice is now at 30 minutes. I still itch like mad! I once again feel homesick, and would love to have someone to talk to...so this is suffering right? The Buddha says that is life suffering is in all things, even happiness, because happiness is imperminant, as is sadness right? Kinda like when your watching football: One minute the Cougs throw for a first down (happiness), the next minute they trown an interception (sadness, or suffering)...but it is nonself (not something that we can control) So that would mean going to rule number one (right Doug) and F@#$ it!
DAY 7
Aajan told me today to be a good Vipassana soldier, hmmmm.My meditation is up to 40 minutes (that is 80 minutes total per session). My first walking meditation after report and my eyes filled with tears, then they spilled over, running down my face and into my mouth, snot running from my nose like a child. I didn't feel sad, but the tears just poured from me for 40 minutes solid...guess they needed to get out, and that is what i call some serious cleansing. My stitting mediation has brought visions fo bodies, hands, faces w/o eyes (before it was just eyes without faces, and not always human, and not always looking at me), skeltons...and the images are in something similar to a kaleidoscope pattern. Quite disturbing, though I have once again been reasurred that it is part of the practice. I don't itch as much today, but during walking meditation I often tremble. No matter how odd my experiences are Aajan just nods and says good, very good practice and concentration. Huh. And that homesick feeling and doubt that I have had. Also part of the practice.
DAY 8
It is still SO hard to meditate in the morning, SO hungry.I now have 6 steps walking and 12 touching points while sitting. I slept well, no itching. I felt so peaceful and light when I got out of bed. I feel hot like fire while I meditate. I know that it is hot outside, but I feel like my body is the sun, and I am the one emmitting the heat. I have had a headache for two days now. I feel like my meditation has hit a wall. I am tired of seeing the same disturbing images...frustrated, frustrated, frustrated. I have some doubt about my practice and keep "wondering, wondering, wondering" what will come of it. I feel like I would make a lowsy soldier. I was talking to Sandra, she reminded me to not be so hard on myself, and also to acknowledge..which turned my frustration to anger...and from there a good round of meditation. I had 4 points of pain, as if someone was stabbing me with a knife. And it also felt as if someone had placed a helmet on my head, and trying to push me backwards. It feels like they are trying to turn meditation into an obsession or addiction, ugg. Doug is that your monkey on my back? Today is Saturday, I leave on Friday, I can do this!
DAY 9
I lay in bed, it is 3 am and I know that I am suppose to get out of bed. I feel something brush against my arm, which I have raised above my head and on my pillow, I am lying on my belly. I assume the sensation is my hair being blown by the fan. I raise my head, just in time to see a cockroach crawl over the head of my bed!! Yeah, now that will get you out of bed in the morning!!
I am starting to get over the excitement of Thai food, I am sure many of you know I am not a huge rice fan, and here I get it will every meal, yum! A peanut butter sandwich sounds so good right now. Report: no taling to anyone, here are 6 more touching points, practice up to 60 minutes, oh, and by the way, you are moving along quicker then we anticipated, you are about to finish the course...no opportunity for comments or questions. Now what is THAT suppose to mean? I feel neutral today, yet my head is pounding.
DAY 10
Well good morning again Mr. Cockroach, so good to see you 2 inces from my face, while you rest right there on my blanket!!! Ah! Four hours of sleep, maybe less, Aajan is cutting back my sleeping hours (as if they weren't cut back enough). I really want to finish this course so my head will stop pounding, and I can roam free again. Ah, but not yet. Today I received my first exercise. "To REALIZE the truth in the three characteristics: suffering, imperminance, and nonself. No sleeping, no showering, and now leaving your house. You will be doing 1 hours of walking and 1 hours of sitting, followed by a short break, then repeat...for 24 hours. HUH?! I was numb after that. I had no idea this was coming. Most of the day I was in a daze. To "realize." Probably around 11am things started to get really foggy. The toughest hours were from 11-3. I would walk, but couldn't walk staight, and couldn't even see straight for that matter. At one point I was thinkin, huh, I will just crawl...but wait I have no destination, so that won't help me. Suffering? check. Imperminance? check. Nonself? check
DAY 11
Ugg. I was hoping I would be finished (wishing, wishing, wishing), but instead I was given exercise #2. Same as #1, no shower, sleep, or leaving, but this time I was to count unintensional movements....joy. I am not quite sure how this is helping my meditation practice. I am so tired that I stumble when I walk, and my unintensional movements are my jerking when I nod off. There must be an end soon....
DAY 12
My third and final exercise. Yep your quessed it: 24 hours no sleep, no shower (bet you guys don't miss me now), just constant meditation. I was crying, yes again..damn how I wanted sleep, oh and that Hug....Sandra reminds me that I am strong. Aajan simple tells me: no expectations, no worry, no doubt, just think present moment.
DAY 13[/b][/u]
Yeah, yeah!!! I am so happy, so light, and here it is 3:38 pm and I still haven't slept! Aajan told me this morning at report that I looked 10 years younger (please, I look young enough)!! So I am finished. I took 12 days, turned it into 13 and completed the 21 day course. It was so much of a struggle. Not so much what the practice was, but so much with myserf. Seeing my suffering and weakness (doubt), and truely seeing it, feeling it, and knowing it. Understanding that it isn't there forever, things are always changing...and so much of what I bring myself to fight with isn't even in my conrol to begin with, so ultimately I just bring more suffering and pain. There is much more depth to the practice, but this is the ultimate goal, and for me, the ultimate outcome. I accept. (acknowledge, acknowledge, acknowledge)
So as you can see I am off again, continuing my Thailand experience. I having closing ceremony this evening, where I will no longer be under the 8 precepts (yes dinner!!!!) Damn, I just realized that I am breaking a precept right now, I am "chewing" gum...oh well, I was good while I could. I will take a taxi to Chaing Mai to meet up with Lorena, a wonder girl that I met at the monastery, she is from Austria, speaks wonderful english, and is the ripe age of 22! She also finished the course, and was there for 23 days(?). She is a buddist and has been wanting to do this for sometime, so this was an extremely importing experience for her. She is off the Burma and India after this, for many more expereinces. Anyway, I thought I would spend some time with her before I head south to those sandy beaches! I will be posting a short entry about my last night before leaving for the Monastery, so make sure to look for it (it will be dated in correct happenstance).
Thank you for your acceptance, faith and love.
